When I visit various art blogs around the ‘Net, I’m always slightly in awe of the ones who can sit in public places and sketch. I was never really able to do that. Heck, I generally don’t even like to have people watching me draw. Doodling when bored in class or at a meeting doesn’t count. Most of the time all I’m doing when doodling is making random squiggles and stuff anyway. Also, drawing to demonstrate something to students doesn’t count either because it’s more like… well, just “part of the job.” (Though I hardly did so since what I taught was largely computer-based, multimedia-type stuff.)
If I’m with fellow FCM-ers who all doodle anyway, that’s fine. But I’ve never really been comfortable having to “draw on demand” unless the people demanding it are my lecturers or something. Like when people say stuff like, “Eh, you can draw, right? Draw something for me now?” Sure; draw you a circle, I will. Or, “Show me how you draw.” While I’m pleased and grateful that they think I can draw and want to see it, at the same time it gives me a weird sort of… agitated sensation. It makes me wish I could disappear like Violet in The Incredibles. Worst of all is when they say, “Draw me!” Portraits and me don’t mix. If I draw a human and it happens to look like an actual person, it’s a miracle.
Anyway, yeah, so I don’t like to draw or do artsy stuff with others watching me. Exempt from this are fellow FCM-ers and certain other friends. At the point of writing this, I can only think of about three friends in recent years who are not FCM-ers and who have seen me draw for fun. Not in class as an assignment, not in class as a teacher, not doodles of boredom to pass the time, but just like… drawing simply because I feel like it. I can’t even quite explain why I’m okay drawing in front of those select few non-artist friends. I just am. Maybe it’s got to do with trust? Comfortable-ness? (lol, there’s gotta be a more accurate word but I can’t think of it now.) Some indefinable quality those few have? hahah It’ll just have to be one of those mysteries of life, I guess.
Perhaps it’s a quirk I should ease myself out of. But then… I don’t actually need to since there’s no requirement that I should like to draw in front of other people – except in certain contexts (e.g. job) and within those contexts I don’t mind it. lol I’m confusing myself writing this out somehow…